ReWritten: An Unexpected Visitor
Okay, here's my exam's essay rewritten and WITH AN ENDING this time round. And with proper editing too...
A man sat by the window, a silhouette in a glass frame. His shoulders hunched dejectedly; his back leaned forwards as if interested in the street outside, ardently awaiting something. But the slightest droop of the head, the depressed angle of the neck spoke of despair – saying that he waited in vain. The rest of the room stayed silent. Its dark shadows faded unobtrusively into the background, bringing the eye back to the focal point of the scene.
Outside, a cold wind blew. Trees shivered. Clouds gathered. And the first storm of the month brewed within the firmament, heralding the rainy season, bridging autumn and winter. The houses scowled in the gloom with shuttered windows. The faint scuttling of neighbours as they went about their lives in the sleepy suburb was drowned out by the screaming of the wind - a scream that was repeated deep within the heart by someone grieving.
Suddenly, a silver Toyota came down the street. It glided against the wind with a uniform rumble, silent but sure, its calm mocking the wind. The lady behind the wheel drove with a steely determination – the rain was not going to put her off. Smoothly, the wheels stopped in front of the unlit house. Out she walked, a tall, confident lady in her middle thirties dressed in bold purples and royal blues. Thunder roared a warning at her. Unfazed, she handled her keys with skilled hands, purposeful but without haste.
The slightest hint of surprise showed in the furrow of his brows before he returned to languishing pensiveness. That was all he could manage upon seeing this unannounced, unexpected visitor.
As she entered, a draught followed her in. He shivered violently, even after she closed the door.
She glanced him over, took a deep breath before beginning. “I’ve had enough of your moping. You’ve been sitting here alone in the dark for two weeks, ignoring the phone and shrugging off your duties. You’re a mess!”
His dreamy expression did not alter.
“Is this how you’ll live the rest of your life?! You’re making mum and dad worry…”
At that, he glanced up briefly, meeting his sister’s imperious glare with soft sadness, eyes apologizing. Then he turned back to the window.
She sighed heavily. But she was not one to give up. With sure steps, she invaded the gloom, moving around the room slowly, sidestepping furniture in her way. Her thoughts crunched logic like a microprocessor, thinking like lightning, adapting to the emotions placed in front of her.
“He was just a friend wasn’t he?”
Silence.
“Was he very close?” then, “Have you known him long?” She waited for his response, intuitively knowing that she had asked the right questions.
With a weak voice he replied, “I’ve known him since I was fifteen. We went to college together…”
She arrived behind him. Even in the dark, she could perceive how angular and scrawny he had become. Reflected in the glass, she could see that his eyes, nestled within that gaunt, fading face were moist. She smiled grimly – it was working.
The rain began to fall, pounding rhythmically at the pavement. Beads of water slammed into the window before flowing down its glossy surface. But the two lines of moisture trickling down his reflection could never have been mistaken for rain.
She turned around. She had to press on no matter how painful it was for him. Wounds must never be allowed to fester…
As she moved around the room a second time, she noticed newspaper clippings on the floor, blown down by the wind, illuminated by a timely flash of lightning. She picked one up and read its headline, the only thing legible in the dark room:
Bomb At Train Station Kills 23
Understanding blossomed in her breast. Her brother had collected the articles that reported on the bombing… no… on his friend’s death… a mote of grief resonated in her soul… such things had consequences far beyond the 23 head death toll. How many others were lost and devastated like her brother?, she wondered.
Then he emitted a small cry. Its anguish clutched at her heart, made her wonder at his sanity. In all her days of comforting friends, she had never heard a sound like that. Perhaps this is not something I can hndle, she thought. At that moment, she felt something she had never before felt – hesitation. She had arrived to tackle the task with a burning purpose, every step sure and certain. But now, she wondered if only time would save him… or perhaps he was lost… She had never thought that the lost of a friend would have so great an effect on a friend but Auvry was no more alive than a corpse, his soul already in the hereafter and there was little she could do. She had to rethink some things and think of a new way of doing this...
She walked to the door. Hesitated. One last try. “Come with me. You’ve got to get out of the house. Have some air. It’ll help, I promise,” she whispered, voice no longer ringing with certainty. She reached out her hand to him, offering.
He turned around and looked her in the eye once more. Hers pleaded for she couldn’t accept failure. His radiated anger, as if she were trying to draw him down a path of unfaithfulness. A shiver crawled down her spine. Her brother had never been known to have resolve or the slightest bit of stubbornness. He was always accommodating. Yet he had changed so. “Goodbye, Valerie,” he whispered back.
With a shake of the head, she firmly grasped the doorknob, swung open the door and screamed to the limit of her lungs.
A flash of lightning illuminated the figure framed in the doorway. Tall and lean, the man was dressed in plain clothes as if he had picked them in a hurry and had done it without much thought. His face was scarred on one side by a myriad of small cuts, as if he had been sprayed by glass. Viridian eyes full of worry looked down at her, asking many questions, receiving no answers.
From the dark corner, near the window, Valerie’s brother called out, “Blake”, his voice incandescent and bright, tinged with surprise. “Auvry!” she heard her brother’s name called by the stranger.
Auvry jumped out from the dark corner and embraced Blake, tears flowing like the rain outside. “I thought you were dea… dea…”
“I survived,” he whispered, gently, comforting.
Valerie finally understood and showed it with a smile, her certainty alight once more.
THE END
Finally, that ghost has been laid to rest...
A man sat by the window, a silhouette in a glass frame. His shoulders hunched dejectedly; his back leaned forwards as if interested in the street outside, ardently awaiting something. But the slightest droop of the head, the depressed angle of the neck spoke of despair – saying that he waited in vain. The rest of the room stayed silent. Its dark shadows faded unobtrusively into the background, bringing the eye back to the focal point of the scene.
Outside, a cold wind blew. Trees shivered. Clouds gathered. And the first storm of the month brewed within the firmament, heralding the rainy season, bridging autumn and winter. The houses scowled in the gloom with shuttered windows. The faint scuttling of neighbours as they went about their lives in the sleepy suburb was drowned out by the screaming of the wind - a scream that was repeated deep within the heart by someone grieving.
Suddenly, a silver Toyota came down the street. It glided against the wind with a uniform rumble, silent but sure, its calm mocking the wind. The lady behind the wheel drove with a steely determination – the rain was not going to put her off. Smoothly, the wheels stopped in front of the unlit house. Out she walked, a tall, confident lady in her middle thirties dressed in bold purples and royal blues. Thunder roared a warning at her. Unfazed, she handled her keys with skilled hands, purposeful but without haste.
The slightest hint of surprise showed in the furrow of his brows before he returned to languishing pensiveness. That was all he could manage upon seeing this unannounced, unexpected visitor.
As she entered, a draught followed her in. He shivered violently, even after she closed the door.
She glanced him over, took a deep breath before beginning. “I’ve had enough of your moping. You’ve been sitting here alone in the dark for two weeks, ignoring the phone and shrugging off your duties. You’re a mess!”
His dreamy expression did not alter.
“Is this how you’ll live the rest of your life?! You’re making mum and dad worry…”
At that, he glanced up briefly, meeting his sister’s imperious glare with soft sadness, eyes apologizing. Then he turned back to the window.
She sighed heavily. But she was not one to give up. With sure steps, she invaded the gloom, moving around the room slowly, sidestepping furniture in her way. Her thoughts crunched logic like a microprocessor, thinking like lightning, adapting to the emotions placed in front of her.
“He was just a friend wasn’t he?”
Silence.
“Was he very close?” then, “Have you known him long?” She waited for his response, intuitively knowing that she had asked the right questions.
With a weak voice he replied, “I’ve known him since I was fifteen. We went to college together…”
She arrived behind him. Even in the dark, she could perceive how angular and scrawny he had become. Reflected in the glass, she could see that his eyes, nestled within that gaunt, fading face were moist. She smiled grimly – it was working.
The rain began to fall, pounding rhythmically at the pavement. Beads of water slammed into the window before flowing down its glossy surface. But the two lines of moisture trickling down his reflection could never have been mistaken for rain.
She turned around. She had to press on no matter how painful it was for him. Wounds must never be allowed to fester…
As she moved around the room a second time, she noticed newspaper clippings on the floor, blown down by the wind, illuminated by a timely flash of lightning. She picked one up and read its headline, the only thing legible in the dark room:
Bomb At Train Station Kills 23
Understanding blossomed in her breast. Her brother had collected the articles that reported on the bombing… no… on his friend’s death… a mote of grief resonated in her soul… such things had consequences far beyond the 23 head death toll. How many others were lost and devastated like her brother?, she wondered.
Then he emitted a small cry. Its anguish clutched at her heart, made her wonder at his sanity. In all her days of comforting friends, she had never heard a sound like that. Perhaps this is not something I can hndle, she thought. At that moment, she felt something she had never before felt – hesitation. She had arrived to tackle the task with a burning purpose, every step sure and certain. But now, she wondered if only time would save him… or perhaps he was lost… She had never thought that the lost of a friend would have so great an effect on a friend but Auvry was no more alive than a corpse, his soul already in the hereafter and there was little she could do. She had to rethink some things and think of a new way of doing this...
She walked to the door. Hesitated. One last try. “Come with me. You’ve got to get out of the house. Have some air. It’ll help, I promise,” she whispered, voice no longer ringing with certainty. She reached out her hand to him, offering.
He turned around and looked her in the eye once more. Hers pleaded for she couldn’t accept failure. His radiated anger, as if she were trying to draw him down a path of unfaithfulness. A shiver crawled down her spine. Her brother had never been known to have resolve or the slightest bit of stubbornness. He was always accommodating. Yet he had changed so. “Goodbye, Valerie,” he whispered back.
With a shake of the head, she firmly grasped the doorknob, swung open the door and screamed to the limit of her lungs.
A flash of lightning illuminated the figure framed in the doorway. Tall and lean, the man was dressed in plain clothes as if he had picked them in a hurry and had done it without much thought. His face was scarred on one side by a myriad of small cuts, as if he had been sprayed by glass. Viridian eyes full of worry looked down at her, asking many questions, receiving no answers.
From the dark corner, near the window, Valerie’s brother called out, “Blake”, his voice incandescent and bright, tinged with surprise. “Auvry!” she heard her brother’s name called by the stranger.
Auvry jumped out from the dark corner and embraced Blake, tears flowing like the rain outside. “I thought you were dea… dea…”
“I survived,” he whispered, gently, comforting.
Valerie finally understood and showed it with a smile, her certainty alight once more.
THE END
Finally, that ghost has been laid to rest...
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