I feel lost...
My exams draw to a close but somehow, there is no elation... I don't know why, but I feel depressed instead.
Probably because I feel that I've lost my direction. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life... I can't help but feel that what I wish to do is far out of my reach and my options aren't what I wish to do. And I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong choice and regret it the rest of my life.
I feel my interests call for art and music. But I have a complete inability to draw faces. My voice is weak (meaning it doesn't have that beautiful soaring quality), much too deep to sing the higher notes of many songs and it's range is so comparably small. In addition, my hearing is a bit bad meaning I can't seem to sing at least some notes off pitch... most of the time, I don't even realise I'm doing it. It must be caused by the way I sing everything an octave down to be comfortable. I don't have looks or charisma either. Both of which are helpful to performers... so I'm at a further disadvantage. Because of my parent's reluctance, I only got to start music lessons at 12 (so much easier if music was part of the stupid school syllabus). I wished to learn the violin. But they said no, piano first. And then they got a cheap digital one and refused to get an acoustic one, especially my father (even though they don't mind buying vacuum cleaners which are more expensive than many acoustic pianos. That's not to mention how he keeps on talking about how all his more miserly friends actually buy their children proper pianos). I've reached grade 8 and I can't stand the fact that the only expressions available to me are loud and soft because of the digital's limitations... And it took me 4 years of pestering to get them to allow me to learn the violin. Predictably, I got the cheapest one available... So, piano at 12 and violin at 15. Do I even stand a chance at winning something like the Chopin or Van Cliburn competitions against pianists who start at age 3 and play things like the complete Chopin etudes by the time they're eleven? Even with hard work and talent (which I don't seem to have), could I do it? And I don't want to be second rate either... I want to be the best...
See, no art, no classical, no pop. Worse of all, I get that feeling deep inside, that I WANT to do music... I just know it. My hours spent at the piano and cradling the violin are blissful... (yes, I know... not blissful for family members) I suggested it once... but my father completely objected. He says he won't even send me to college if I took music... See, they're both accountants and they think that music can't really earn you a living... they think that music doesn't require brains and that mine will be wasted... (they've obviously not sat in front of the piano, searching for the right notes) if I were born to Japanese, I'd get to go after ideals... but I suppose since I live in the part of Asia that is not Japan, no ideals... money is more important here (that way of thinking makes me sick)... so much for parental support.
My father wants me to join some proffesion. I once considered becoming a doctor, then I could help others... but I have two problems:
1. I have a terrible fear of getting sick... not to mention my weak immune system.
2. I'm the type that... how do I say this without embarrasing myself? Let's just say that if I was in a room full of people suffering, I'd end up by myself in some corner crying away.
I used to want to do physics... (don't laugh but I have interests in both quantum and nuclear physics... my favourite chapters in the whole textbook). But my father tells me I have to be brilliant to do research. And the sad truth is, I'm not brilliant... I mean... I only have to compare with Weng to see how short I am on the pure intelligence department. The only reason I can memorise so much is willpower, not intelligence...
What's left? I can't do law and politics... I'd be trampled all over the place... I can hold arguments but I could hardly act mean... it would be defeat in court and embarrasment in politics.
I don't think I could go about the rest of my life counting money or predicting earnings... I just hate such things... so no accounting (I really dislike accouting too) or actuary...
Engineering? My father and everyone else thinks I'm going to do that. He thinks I want to! The truth is that I can't stand the thought of creating machines to do work in factories or distill petrochemicles the rest of my life. I don't want to create cold metal things; I want to create music.
My father thinks I want to do software design as well... and I haven't said otherwise... passifying him... but the only part of it I actually like is AI - creating algorithms and study the way people and machines think. The rest of it like web and security... yuck... But I can't possibly leave that out.
I would write and I do... but my father tells me that I don't really have that flair and I see what he means; my writing is nothing nearly as good as Melanie Rawn's. The only thing that drives my stories are the plots... the language just doesn't appeal after the first page.
My friend says the I can still do what I want to... just not become the best. But what would be the POINT?!!! Do I want to be mediocre? And then he suggested I could take something less mainstream... I was emotionally unstable then so I didn't notice at first but now I'm confused... what isn't mainstream but is interesting? If it's interesting, it would be mainstream.
If that wasn't enough, I read a biography and it's owner said "It's not that I want to win. It's just that I don't want to lose." I realised that I have not been exactly competitive, although I haven't been slacking either. But I haven't done all that I could and now I feel angry at myself.
I've been thinking like this the last two days and it's been misery... the sad songs aren't helping much but I can't stop listening to them because something about the anguish in them... it just... I can feel it...
And now I'm thinking: you're such a drama queen... you've just rambled to your blog as if you were some girl... you're so stupid...
Probably because I feel that I've lost my direction. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life... I can't help but feel that what I wish to do is far out of my reach and my options aren't what I wish to do. And I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong choice and regret it the rest of my life.
I feel my interests call for art and music. But I have a complete inability to draw faces. My voice is weak (meaning it doesn't have that beautiful soaring quality), much too deep to sing the higher notes of many songs and it's range is so comparably small. In addition, my hearing is a bit bad meaning I can't seem to sing at least some notes off pitch... most of the time, I don't even realise I'm doing it. It must be caused by the way I sing everything an octave down to be comfortable. I don't have looks or charisma either. Both of which are helpful to performers... so I'm at a further disadvantage. Because of my parent's reluctance, I only got to start music lessons at 12 (so much easier if music was part of the stupid school syllabus). I wished to learn the violin. But they said no, piano first. And then they got a cheap digital one and refused to get an acoustic one, especially my father (even though they don't mind buying vacuum cleaners which are more expensive than many acoustic pianos. That's not to mention how he keeps on talking about how all his more miserly friends actually buy their children proper pianos). I've reached grade 8 and I can't stand the fact that the only expressions available to me are loud and soft because of the digital's limitations... And it took me 4 years of pestering to get them to allow me to learn the violin. Predictably, I got the cheapest one available... So, piano at 12 and violin at 15. Do I even stand a chance at winning something like the Chopin or Van Cliburn competitions against pianists who start at age 3 and play things like the complete Chopin etudes by the time they're eleven? Even with hard work and talent (which I don't seem to have), could I do it? And I don't want to be second rate either... I want to be the best...
See, no art, no classical, no pop. Worse of all, I get that feeling deep inside, that I WANT to do music... I just know it. My hours spent at the piano and cradling the violin are blissful... (yes, I know... not blissful for family members) I suggested it once... but my father completely objected. He says he won't even send me to college if I took music... See, they're both accountants and they think that music can't really earn you a living... they think that music doesn't require brains and that mine will be wasted... (they've obviously not sat in front of the piano, searching for the right notes) if I were born to Japanese, I'd get to go after ideals... but I suppose since I live in the part of Asia that is not Japan, no ideals... money is more important here (that way of thinking makes me sick)... so much for parental support.
My father wants me to join some proffesion. I once considered becoming a doctor, then I could help others... but I have two problems:
1. I have a terrible fear of getting sick... not to mention my weak immune system.
2. I'm the type that... how do I say this without embarrasing myself? Let's just say that if I was in a room full of people suffering, I'd end up by myself in some corner crying away.
I used to want to do physics... (don't laugh but I have interests in both quantum and nuclear physics... my favourite chapters in the whole textbook). But my father tells me I have to be brilliant to do research. And the sad truth is, I'm not brilliant... I mean... I only have to compare with Weng to see how short I am on the pure intelligence department. The only reason I can memorise so much is willpower, not intelligence...
What's left? I can't do law and politics... I'd be trampled all over the place... I can hold arguments but I could hardly act mean... it would be defeat in court and embarrasment in politics.
I don't think I could go about the rest of my life counting money or predicting earnings... I just hate such things... so no accounting (I really dislike accouting too) or actuary...
Engineering? My father and everyone else thinks I'm going to do that. He thinks I want to! The truth is that I can't stand the thought of creating machines to do work in factories or distill petrochemicles the rest of my life. I don't want to create cold metal things; I want to create music.
My father thinks I want to do software design as well... and I haven't said otherwise... passifying him... but the only part of it I actually like is AI - creating algorithms and study the way people and machines think. The rest of it like web and security... yuck... But I can't possibly leave that out.
I would write and I do... but my father tells me that I don't really have that flair and I see what he means; my writing is nothing nearly as good as Melanie Rawn's. The only thing that drives my stories are the plots... the language just doesn't appeal after the first page.
My friend says the I can still do what I want to... just not become the best. But what would be the POINT?!!! Do I want to be mediocre? And then he suggested I could take something less mainstream... I was emotionally unstable then so I didn't notice at first but now I'm confused... what isn't mainstream but is interesting? If it's interesting, it would be mainstream.
If that wasn't enough, I read a biography and it's owner said "It's not that I want to win. It's just that I don't want to lose." I realised that I have not been exactly competitive, although I haven't been slacking either. But I haven't done all that I could and now I feel angry at myself.
I've been thinking like this the last two days and it's been misery... the sad songs aren't helping much but I can't stop listening to them because something about the anguish in them... it just... I can feel it...
And now I'm thinking: you're such a drama queen... you've just rambled to your blog as if you were some girl... you're so stupid...
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