I feel lost...

My exams draw to a close but somehow, there is no elation... I don't know why, but I feel depressed instead.

Probably because I feel that I've lost my direction. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life... I can't help but feel that what I wish to do is far out of my reach and my options aren't what I wish to do. And I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong choice and regret it the rest of my life.

I feel my interests call for art and music. But I have a complete inability to draw faces. My voice is weak (meaning it doesn't have that beautiful soaring quality), much too deep to sing the higher notes of many songs and it's range is so comparably small. In addition, my hearing is a bit bad meaning I can't seem to sing at least some notes off pitch... most of the time, I don't even realise I'm doing it. It must be caused by the way I sing everything an octave down to be comfortable. I don't have looks or charisma either. Both of which are helpful to performers... so I'm at a further disadvantage. Because of my parent's reluctance, I only got to start music lessons at 12 (so much easier if music was part of the stupid school syllabus). I wished to learn the violin. But they said no, piano first. And then they got a cheap digital one and refused to get an acoustic one, especially my father (even though they don't mind buying vacuum cleaners which are more expensive than many acoustic pianos. That's not to mention how he keeps on talking about how all his more miserly friends actually buy their children proper pianos). I've reached grade 8 and I can't stand the fact that the only expressions available to me are loud and soft because of the digital's limitations... And it took me 4 years of pestering to get them to allow me to learn the violin. Predictably, I got the cheapest one available... So, piano at 12 and violin at 15. Do I even stand a chance at winning something like the Chopin or Van Cliburn competitions against pianists who start at age 3 and play things like the complete Chopin etudes by the time they're eleven? Even with hard work and talent (which I don't seem to have), could I do it? And I don't want to be second rate either... I want to be the best...

See, no art, no classical, no pop. Worse of all, I get that feeling deep inside, that I WANT to do music... I just know it. My hours spent at the piano and cradling the violin are blissful... (yes, I know... not blissful for family members) I suggested it once... but my father completely objected. He says he won't even send me to college if I took music... See, they're both accountants and they think that music can't really earn you a living... they think that music doesn't require brains and that mine will be wasted... (they've obviously not sat in front of the piano, searching for the right notes) if I were born to Japanese, I'd get to go after ideals... but I suppose since I live in the part of Asia that is not Japan, no ideals... money is more important here (that way of thinking makes me sick)... so much for parental support.

My father wants me to join some proffesion. I once considered becoming a doctor, then I could help others... but I have two problems:

1. I have a terrible fear of getting sick... not to mention my weak immune system.
2. I'm the type that... how do I say this without embarrasing myself? Let's just say that if I was in a room full of people suffering, I'd end up by myself in some corner crying away.

I used to want to do physics... (don't laugh but I have interests in both quantum and nuclear physics... my favourite chapters in the whole textbook). But my father tells me I have to be brilliant to do research. And the sad truth is, I'm not brilliant... I mean... I only have to compare with Weng to see how short I am on the pure intelligence department. The only reason I can memorise so much is willpower, not intelligence...

What's left? I can't do law and politics... I'd be trampled all over the place... I can hold arguments but I could hardly act mean... it would be defeat in court and embarrasment in politics.

I don't think I could go about the rest of my life counting money or predicting earnings... I just hate such things... so no accounting (I really dislike accouting too) or actuary...

Engineering? My father and everyone else thinks I'm going to do that. He thinks I want to! The truth is that I can't stand the thought of creating machines to do work in factories or distill petrochemicles the rest of my life. I don't want to create cold metal things; I want to create music.

My father thinks I want to do software design as well... and I haven't said otherwise... passifying him... but the only part of it I actually like is AI - creating algorithms and study the way people and machines think. The rest of it like web and security... yuck... But I can't possibly leave that out.

I would write and I do... but my father tells me that I don't really have that flair and I see what he means; my writing is nothing nearly as good as Melanie Rawn's. The only thing that drives my stories are the plots... the language just doesn't appeal after the first page.

My friend says the I can still do what I want to... just not become the best. But what would be the POINT?!!! Do I want to be mediocre? And then he suggested I could take something less mainstream... I was emotionally unstable then so I didn't notice at first but now I'm confused... what isn't mainstream but is interesting? If it's interesting, it would be mainstream.

If that wasn't enough, I read a biography and it's owner said "It's not that I want to win. It's just that I don't want to lose." I realised that I have not been exactly competitive, although I haven't been slacking either. But I haven't done all that I could and now I feel angry at myself.

I've been thinking like this the last two days and it's been misery... the sad songs aren't helping much but I can't stop listening to them because something about the anguish in them... it just... I can feel it...

And now I'm thinking: you're such a drama queen... you've just rambled to your blog as if you were some girl... you're so stupid...

And the week comes to an end...

Yesterday, I received the government's letter, denying me a place in the first batch of National Service from January to March, leaving me with either March to June or June to August. So now, I'm screwed. Or at least my education plans are, at any rate. I try not to remind myself of it but I have so many people reminding me that denial is pointless and ignorance is non-existent.

And I'm signed up for driving lessons... which is a horrible thought... I mean... I'm just afraid I'd kill or maim someone due to my clumsiness and klutziness... or get killed by not swerving fast enough when some loose-knob driver hurtles down the road straight at me. Great way to die isn't it?

And BAK asked, "do you want to lose Weng as a friend?" Well, that begs the question: "do I still want him as a friend?"

And to cap it, I still have bio and chem to look forward to. Don't break down yet, huh, Stef? Well, I'll pretend to be fine at any rate... Oh yes, happy birthday, Stef.

On a more positive note, I've just realised something... and through my realisation, I've decided to treat better and value more my family members and friends. It might have been the fact that I just realised that I actually had friends who cared and that I'm not some shunned creature. Or that some people don't have family... Or that song two posts down. It's amazing how such things hit you... So there's my pre-new year resolution...

Overall, my sleep and appetite seem to have suffered... not that I need a diet... although withering to invisibility might be good... maybe I should stop worrying so much... all's well that ends well.

As if...

Live Like You Were Dying

Somehow, solutions and little enlightenments come in the words of a song, as if they were written for just that purpose, waiting to be deciphered...

By Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

Teary confession time

(Don't read if you don't like immature whining)

Today, I decided that I was ready. I finally asked Weng why he withheld the rest of Gravitation from me. *sigh*

He admitted that it's because I refused to tell him who my crush was. I was shocked. He did it over something petty as that!

The truth is that I was very hurt. Because I "knew" him to be an upright and nice person. So I thought that I was the cause. I mean, he said things like "an eye for an eye." I thought that I had done something to offend him very badly. So badly that he would not only give me my cds back but also taunt me with word games over it. I was angry at myself for it, thinking that I had chased one of my closest friends away. I buried it all inside and acted cavalier. But that didn't help with all those loose emotions. To think how I had all those sleepless nights blaming myself...

To add salt to the wound, a girl later told me that he had passed the cds on to her instead. I was pretending to be fine. To be composed. Until she asked, "isn't Weng your friend?" That cut to the bone...

And today, he admitted it with a great deal of sarcasm and taunting... words like "what were you expecting?" and "well, if ur that upset, it wouldn't do good on my conscience if u jumped off a 13 storey building cos i didn't hand it over. Apparently, you can survive 12 storeys, well, youngs girls can anyway"... and then when I stopped short of telling him why it hurt... he threatened to withhold it from me again!

Then, I realised that I was the one to blame... yes, me! Because I was too trusting. I trusted Weng and I trusted Eugin. Both with the same outcome...

I know, you probably think I'm overly sensitive and everything right now... you probably wish to puke and think I'm childish or a sissy or something... and compared to all the troubles out there, mine is minor... but I just can't help feeling hurt... I hate emotions...

So, what next?

ReWritten: An Unexpected Visitor

Okay, here's my exam's essay rewritten and WITH AN ENDING this time round. And with proper editing too...

A man sat by the window, a silhouette in a glass frame. His shoulders hunched dejectedly; his back leaned forwards as if interested in the street outside, ardently awaiting something. But the slightest droop of the head, the depressed angle of the neck spoke of despair – saying that he waited in vain. The rest of the room stayed silent. Its dark shadows faded unobtrusively into the background, bringing the eye back to the focal point of the scene.

Outside, a cold wind blew. Trees shivered. Clouds gathered. And the first storm of the month brewed within the firmament, heralding the rainy season, bridging autumn and winter. The houses scowled in the gloom with shuttered windows. The faint scuttling of neighbours as they went about their lives in the sleepy suburb was drowned out by the screaming of the wind - a scream that was repeated deep within the heart by someone grieving.

Suddenly, a silver Toyota came down the street. It glided against the wind with a uniform rumble, silent but sure, its calm mocking the wind. The lady behind the wheel drove with a steely determination – the rain was not going to put her off. Smoothly, the wheels stopped in front of the unlit house. Out she walked, a tall, confident lady in her middle thirties dressed in bold purples and royal blues. Thunder roared a warning at her. Unfazed, she handled her keys with skilled hands, purposeful but without haste.

The slightest hint of surprise showed in the furrow of his brows before he returned to languishing pensiveness. That was all he could manage upon seeing this unannounced, unexpected visitor.

As she entered, a draught followed her in. He shivered violently, even after she closed the door.

She glanced him over, took a deep breath before beginning. “I’ve had enough of your moping. You’ve been sitting here alone in the dark for two weeks, ignoring the phone and shrugging off your duties. You’re a mess!”

His dreamy expression did not alter.

“Is this how you’ll live the rest of your life?! You’re making mum and dad worry…”

At that, he glanced up briefly, meeting his sister’s imperious glare with soft sadness, eyes apologizing. Then he turned back to the window.

She sighed heavily. But she was not one to give up. With sure steps, she invaded the gloom, moving around the room slowly, sidestepping furniture in her way. Her thoughts crunched logic like a microprocessor, thinking like lightning, adapting to the emotions placed in front of her.

“He was just a friend wasn’t he?”

Silence.

“Was he very close?” then, “Have you known him long?” She waited for his response, intuitively knowing that she had asked the right questions.

With a weak voice he replied, “I’ve known him since I was fifteen. We went to college together…”

She arrived behind him. Even in the dark, she could perceive how angular and scrawny he had become. Reflected in the glass, she could see that his eyes, nestled within that gaunt, fading face were moist. She smiled grimly – it was working.

The rain began to fall, pounding rhythmically at the pavement. Beads of water slammed into the window before flowing down its glossy surface. But the two lines of moisture trickling down his reflection could never have been mistaken for rain.

She turned around. She had to press on no matter how painful it was for him. Wounds must never be allowed to fester…

As she moved around the room a second time, she noticed newspaper clippings on the floor, blown down by the wind, illuminated by a timely flash of lightning. She picked one up and read its headline, the only thing legible in the dark room:

Bomb At Train Station Kills 23

Understanding blossomed in her breast. Her brother had collected the articles that reported on the bombing… no… on his friend’s death… a mote of grief resonated in her soul… such things had consequences far beyond the 23 head death toll. How many others were lost and devastated like her brother?, she wondered.

Then he emitted a small cry. Its anguish clutched at her heart, made her wonder at his sanity. In all her days of comforting friends, she had never heard a sound like that. Perhaps this is not something I can hndle, she thought. At that moment, she felt something she had never before felt – hesitation. She had arrived to tackle the task with a burning purpose, every step sure and certain. But now, she wondered if only time would save him… or perhaps he was lost… She had never thought that the lost of a friend would have so great an effect on a friend but Auvry was no more alive than a corpse, his soul already in the hereafter and there was little she could do. She had to rethink some things and think of a new way of doing this...

She walked to the door. Hesitated. One last try. “Come with me. You’ve got to get out of the house. Have some air. It’ll help, I promise,” she whispered, voice no longer ringing with certainty. She reached out her hand to him, offering.

He turned around and looked her in the eye once more. Hers pleaded for she couldn’t accept failure. His radiated anger, as if she were trying to draw him down a path of unfaithfulness. A shiver crawled down her spine. Her brother had never been known to have resolve or the slightest bit of stubbornness. He was always accommodating. Yet he had changed so. “Goodbye, Valerie,” he whispered back.

With a shake of the head, she firmly grasped the doorknob, swung open the door and screamed to the limit of her lungs.

A flash of lightning illuminated the figure framed in the doorway. Tall and lean, the man was dressed in plain clothes as if he had picked them in a hurry and had done it without much thought. His face was scarred on one side by a myriad of small cuts, as if he had been sprayed by glass. Viridian eyes full of worry looked down at her, asking many questions, receiving no answers.

From the dark corner, near the window, Valerie’s brother called out, “Blake”, his voice incandescent and bright, tinged with surprise. “Auvry!” she heard her brother’s name called by the stranger.

Auvry jumped out from the dark corner and embraced Blake, tears flowing like the rain outside. “I thought you were dea… dea…”

“I survived,” he whispered, gently, comforting.

Valerie finally understood and showed it with a smile, her certainty alight once more.

THE END

Finally, that ghost has been laid to rest...

I see blood

Dear blog,

Today, I've been feeling envious of the colour of the other blogs, so I've given you your very first makeover. Originaly, I opted for blue. But thanks to constructive comments from my sis (too much like a sea theme, says she)... haha... You've been draped and swathed in red, crimson, scarlet, rose madder and more red... Due to my incompetence (artlessness?) at layout and fashion, you'll be enduring this travesty for a long time to come. Be thankful you won't have eerie blood colours on an inky backdrop imprinted on the back of your retina... unless you glance at the mirror of course... which I'd advice against considering you're already unlucky enough to be my blog. You wouldn't want an extra seven would you?

Bloody dreams. Ta.

2/3rds of the way

Yay! That's 7 papers out of 10. That's one more week of exams and then freedom! For those interested:

Moral: That went... well... silly subject...

Add maths: My heart leapt in the first paper when I couldn't do both the questions on the page. But I was really scaring myself over nothing. I did them anyway. Correct. Hopefully... Paper 2 was worse because even with adrenaline pumping away, I didn't manage to finish one question (2 marks out of full 100). In fact, I almost gave up on the last two questions when I heard the headmistress' voice calling out through the adrenalinal miasma, "the one who wins the race is the one who not only starts well but also the one who doesn't falter..." I told myself, " don't bloody falter!" Whew. LOL Must remember to thank her.

Now, I'm ecstatic... biology and chemistry have never really caused me any problems... and English For Science and Tech is going to be a breeze. Or so my ego tells me...

Now to sleep it off...

Picture
The Truth

Your angel seeks for the truth.
Your angel is part of you. Thus, you are the
kind of person who values honesty more than
most things in this world. You are
strong-willed, and a bit stubborn at times. In
love, you seek for someone who will understand
you, and never cheat on you. This would
probably hurt you a lot, as it would to a lot
of people. But it would probably hurt you the
most. You are brutally honest, and you voice
your opinions a lot. Go you!


What's Your Angel Seeking For? .:BEAUTIFUL Anime Pics AND Music!:.
brought to you by Quizilla

1000 Words

Stirring song... makes me want to cry...

Sung by Jade
Composed by Takahito Eguchi & Noriko Matsueda

I know that you're hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily

"Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget
I still relive that day
"You've been there with me all the way"
I still hear you say

"Wait for me I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt
When I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though we can't see I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms
Suspended on silver wings ohhh

And a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days
They'll hold you forever

I Hate Shopping...

I really do...

But when you're forced to spend half your day in 1U and your parents are asking if there's anything you want because there's a discount and your brother's saying, "Come buy jeans with me!", I could hardly resist. Imagine, a new pair of jeans and a pair of spare glasses in the middle of SPM! I must really be wayward!

Now, if the results don't turn out well, I'll have HELL to pay. lol. Think about that later...

Procrastinate first.

Messy Mess

It’s in the middle of my SPM. Everyone thinks I should be studying, including my conscience. But The Heart Asks Pleasure First…

So, I might not have had gotten the first batch for National Service… which is a NIGHTMARE on top of the three month problem… compound that with the fact that I’m expected at Taylors in March and that five of my SPM papers are in a precarious state and you have a MESS.

Malay: Pemahaman killed me. It really did. I went in supercharged with confidence from the first paper, telling myself “I can do this”. What was I thinking?!!! Hell, I don’t even know what went on in there…

English: *thwaps self* I spent too much time on my letter. My story came out a MESS. It was at its azimuth when suddenly… “Stop writing!” And to think how wonderfully the plot was progressing! I’ll have to rewrite it here sometime in the future…

History: The essays were a disaster. PERIOD.

Maths: I did it all in English… risky considering pembesaran is ENLARGEMENT and not MAGNIFICATION. But don’t tell my father that… he already commented at length upon my stupidity over the English MESS.

Physics: The essays did me in too. I made two bad choices. And now I’m going to have to PAY.

And now I’ve spent two days of no study, languishing away as is wont to happen when a susceptible teen is left ALONE to his own DEVICES. Don’t I feel guilty? Should I? Shouldn’t I? I'm SOOO confident... I would be if I didn't have to tell myself, it's okay, I've worked hard the whole year... it'll add up... I'll be fine... Yeah right! Who am I kidding?!!! Not my parents... not myself... maybe my friends... I've been at the piano for hours. I'm listening to sad songs again but I'm high everytime I reach school... I’m a mess… who needs drugs when you have natural, FREE hormones?!!!

Hopefully, it’ll all go away in the morning. In fact, I would like to wake up and find LIFE as I know it a drEAm. No, a NIGHTMARE. And the world I wake up to would be one in some fantasy novel…

Reality: *snicker* Dream on…
Delusion: Go away…

Nighty Night.

First Dream...

Welcome, to the world, blog.

I have doubts about blogs and diaries... for example, they can be read by those they weren't meant for... but somehow, I feel pleasure a sense of elation at its birth... like a newfound friend...